Please Stay (on suicide)

Please stay.

Wow. Writing those words immediately brought tears to my eyes. Such a simple & powerful plea. I know I may say this a lot, but I think this post is the most terrifying I’ve written yet. Maybe because it’s writing about something as personal as breath to me. Here’s the thing though, when we survive the depths, we hold the responsibility to walk with the wandering, to proclaim the hope of our stories & boldly proclaim tangible light over the darkness that so often consumes this life.

The word “suicide” crawls into my ears & squeezes my heart until memories of my past fill my mind. But it’s just a word. To those who haven’t been personally affected by that word, I want to try to explain it. I also want to address those of you who are greeted by some deep emotion when you hear that word: whether you have overcome it, lost a friend to it or are currently considering it.

To those who yearn to understand:
Suicide is a thief. It is the second leading cause of death in America. It steals more life than cancer, heart disease, AIDS, birth defects, stroke, pneumonia, influenza, and chronic lung disease combined. Here’s the thing about suicide– it comes to people dressed as a dear friend. It doesn’t feel selfish when you spend time with your friend, suicide… it feels like relief. It feels like the ‘exit’ sign of a store whose aisles are filled with the things of nightmares. You don’t think about what’s outside of that door.. you think about the sweet sense of relief you receive from the glowing letters that promise change. Suicide is a liar. It’s a liar, because it doesn’t make things better… It just makes them end. However, it’s not a complete liar: it will make the pain end, it is your own decision, it will make all the bad things go away. Here’s the flip side to this coin: it also ends everything else. It makes all the bad things go away, because it makes everything go away. It ends the brief moments of tearful laughter, the dinners with dear friends & family, the sensation of awe when you see creation, the coffee, the cake, the movies, the music, the books, the everything. If you want to help love someone who is considering suicide, attempted or has been affected by it– be walking, talking, breathing, living Hope. Hope saved me… Hope sang the songs of things yet to be done. Fight death by reminding your sweet friend of the grandeur of life. Don’t yell life at them, whisper it to them while they weep; dance it when they hear the music; sing it when they feel a melody in their hearts. Thieves don’t come to take that which is without value; they come to take the very best. Life must be incredibly valuable for suicide to continuously try to steal it. The core of every man yearns to live. Reach into the core of your friend, & gently wake it up. You are capable. You are needed.

To those who have felt it before:

I am sorry. I wouldn’t wish the feeling on my worst enemy. I am so genuinely sorry that you have been to that room of yourself. I am sorry for the times that you feel shame. One of the hardest parts for me was admitting that I tried to steal the most beautiful thing given to me: Life. Here’s what I did. You know that room inside of yourself? The one you sat in the corner of for so long? The one whose air felt like a million daggers? When you survived it, I’m sure you closed the door tightly shut, locked it & threw away the key. Go back to it. Unlock it. Walk into it. Open the windows in it & let the sweet, wild air of triumph fill it in. Decorate it with photos of your family, your dogs, your friends, your love. Fill it with gardens of joy. Celebrate it… for you have truly overcome it. That room isn’t to be avoided– it is to be celebrated.

To those who don’t want to stay:

please do. This world needs you. It won’t always be this way. You are living in the darkest room of yourself. I promise – from the depths of who I am – that there are so many other rooms to explore. There is Hope that knocks unceasingly. There is so much beauty to fill your lungs with. I understand that breathing is a task. I understand that you are numb. I understand that you even wish you could feel pain- just to feel. I understand that giving in is easier than fighting for your next breath. I understand that you feel alone. Please hear me: you are not alone. Lies surround you, & this next part is important: It will be one of the hardest things you ever do to choose to fight them. I won’t deny that. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. At one point (two points, actually) I didn’t. I gave into it, but Hope was knocking. The knock turned into a recitation, a second chance to open that door and a new heart. There’s this quote by my favorite poet, Mary Oliver:

“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift”.

This friend of yours, suicide, is giving you a dark box. It’s up to you to open it. I urge you not to. I urge you to give it back. I promise there is grace and second chances. You don’t have to open it. In the end, life is good enough to even turn this dark box into a gift that brings joy. I opened the boxes, & I regret it deeply. But Life gave me another go at it. Now, I see everything with more vibrancy, more flavour, more bass, more laughter. Please stay. It gets better. Hope is knocking: There is more, there is more, there is more. 

If you are considering suicide, please feel welcomed to contact me.

You can also text “GO” to 741-741. It’s completely confidential.

Or you can call 1-800-273-8255 at anytime.

always dance