she leaves (on dignity)

Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. Proverbs 31.25

so I’ve felt pretty compelled to do a series specifically geared towards women. Being that I am indeed a female, I feel like I have some insight. I’ve put it off for a while, because it just seems like such a typical thing a female blogger would do. I guess I’m officially the basic white girl of wordpress. *insert sassy, hair-flip emoji*

If you know me, I’m passionate about knowing who you are– about claiming your identity. I think that idea has been so horribly twisted in our society. I’ve said it a thousand times, but my goal in writing about identity isn’t to shallowly build up your self-esteem with pretty words. Doing that is just putting a rotting board over a chasm of self-doubt or insecurity or whatever you or I may be feeling. My prayer is that whatever words come from my keyboard next challenge us to work at becoming more & more of who we were truly Intended to be.

So, this first one, I want to dedicate to the idea of dignity. Friendly disclaimer: I think these thoughts can relate to women in relationships as well, but since I’m single, it’ll probably be more geared towards that mentality.

I’ll start with a short story… I had a crush on a guy (I think crushes are fun & healthy & all that stupid jazz). I gathered a stock room of advice from friends: casually brush his arm, make eye contact, ask him about himself, don’t dress like a blob, blah blah blah. Within the process of arm brushing & awkward attempts at casual flirting, I think I slowly began to lose my dignity. I know that sounds extreme, but just hang in there with me, fam.

One day in particular, I wore this black romper that my friends said I looked good in. (I can now look back at this & laugh at myself- which is good for my self respect) I had an idea of when he might have been coming out of class, so I waited– very strategically placed, I might add. Just enough leg showing, reading, basking in the sun like an Egyptian goddess & what not (oh good Lord). I waited there for a good 10 minutes. Then it hit me- this is pathetic. 

I was so genuinely angry at myself. I took a step back, & I was disgusted. Here I was, literally waiting for a guy to come around. I quickly packed up my book (& what was left of my pride) & marched to my car like a kid who just got scolded. I sat in my car & was met by a gentle realization of my identity.

As I sat in my jeep, Brody, I got sucker punched thinking that so many girls do this without realizing it. We dress a certain way; we speak a certain way; we wait.

Dignity means the state or quality of being worthy of honor or respect… or a sense of pride in one self/ self-respect. Sweet sister, let me just throw some truth at you: you have worth. You have inherent worth simply because you are. You exist; therefore, you have worth. You don’t have worth because that guy noticed you; you don’t have worth because you look good in that dress (even though you definitely slay in it); you don’t have worth because your boyfriend/husband/fiance/best friend/mom called you beautiful tonight; you don’t have worth because your hair looks fiiiine today.

You have worth because you are broken Eve, brought in close & invited into the feast of a royal family. You have worth, because you belong to a grand Kingdom. You have worth, because you bow low on a sea of glass in a throne room. You have worth, because you are intelligent & kind & wise & meek & loving & loyal & compassionate & hard working.

Do you yearn to believe that at a heart level?.. Refine these aspects of yourself.

Do you yearn to be wise?.. Live amongst the wise, read books, watch documentaries, talk with Jesus. Do you yearn to be more loving?.. Ask a friend out for coffee, look people in the eyes & pause when you ask, “how are you”, talk with Jesus. Do you yearn to be hard working?.. find a way to give your time to something with purpose, get a job, show up to a hurting friend, talk with Jesus. Do you yearn to have greater faith?.. fall to your knees in prayer, be real with God, talk to people wiser than you (there’s always someone who knows something you don’t), talk with Jesus.

You already possess the worth– the dignity– now you must leave. I left that table in the middle of campus… I also left the anger I felt at myself. Leave the empty compliments that momentarily build your ego up. Leave the pride that separates you from getting to know another heart. Leave the fear that keeps you from exploring. Leave the tendency to compare yourself. Leave the self doubt that keeps you from creating art, music, words. Leave the relentless idleness that leaves you scrolling through instagram & studying the Kardashians. God, I detest the Kardashians.

Sister, you are a woman capable of such depth, such love, such grace. Leave what holds you back from taking advantage of who & Whose you are created to Be. Wear the dignity, confidence & self-respect you have as a flowing dress- whose trail is grace, action, humility, compassion & goodness. I’m right there with you- continually learning & perpetually dancing to “Grown Woman” by Yonce.